In the middle of the night before I send Ami back to school, I am thinking about her desire to not deal with any of this crisis. She prefers to not talk about it, and definitely doesn’t want to participate in any of the numerous supportive events. No bracelet making, no eating at places offering donations, nothing. Just wants to play with her neighborhood friends and watch mind-numbing television. I suppose I shouldn’t judge or compare her to me, or how I prefer that she handle things. While I am figuring out ways to support the disability community, Ami rides her scooter around the neighborhood and plays pretend with her friends. I was hoping she would want to support her greater community by participating in at least one event. Maybe her brain is overloaded and confused and distraught, and so maybe it is stuck.
Turns out, Ami is compartmentalizing to keep me from feeling sad. She doesn’t want to feel sad, because it will make me feel sad. Shit. She is done with the sadness; “over it” in her words.
This morning I walked Amelie into school and she told me these things. We walked through the foyer doors into the school and a Bend Police Officer was there. It hit me. Fuck. Then we walked into the gym where Community Time happens each morning. Amelie directed me to sit down with her and as Community Time ensued, each small child with long brown hair looked like Rhoam - it was crazy. Tears happened and I felt I needed to shut them down because I was on the verge of not just tears, but a breakdown of sadness. I’ve not experienced anything like this before. Visually the children were not Rhoam, but they seemed like him and it disrupted my brain.
The next day, Livi and I went to COBAAC where we held space for creating art in Rhoam’s memory and had materials for making cards for the other victims. Diversability Inc. purchased a dinosaur Lego set - I had forgotten that it was a 3 in 1 set. Livi started putting together the set as we ate and chatted with other COBAAC members and affiliates. I grabbed a coloring sheet. Without realizing it, Livi was building a triceratops and I was coloring a triceratops. We will deliver these tomorrow along with the art pieces other folks created for Rhoam.
10/21/26